When the Church Gives God’s Love & You Reject It

While she just came on my radar, I have a lot of issues with Alessandra’s ideas, but this one is solidly hypocritical and pretty much gossip, detraction, and slander rolled into one. I’m sure in her mind she’s just fighting for the little guys, but the problem is, the little guys may be wrong. When you’re trying to get them to come back to the Church, maybe don’t write an article about how mean the Church is? The problem is, I don’t think she’s trying to get people to orient their actions towards God. She wants a Church that just makes everyone feel better about their sins and they can just get absolved without the resolve to sin no more because, hey, everyone deserves to get in line for Communion, right? Wrong.

When the Church Refuses God’s Love

BY ALESSANDRA HARRIS · APRIL 17, 2023

In late July 2021, I attended Mass at Our Lady of Peace Parish in Santa Clara, California, with my teenage family members. I literally and figuratively grew up at that church as my mom worked as a secretary there for twenty-three years before retiring in 2010. I spent a lot of time there and had a great relationship with many of the priests and parish employees. I was married by one of their priests at a chapel nearby, and all four of my children were baptized there. For decades the church has been an anomaly in the San Francisco Bay Area — offering multiple Masses throughout the day and confession with every Mass. On that July day, we waited in the 45-minute line for confession. What happened afterwards still impacts me today and has increased my concerns about the treatment of young LGBTQ+ people by the Catholic Church in the United States.

You know why she puts the date? Probably because now we can all go there and see who was on staff and she can say “Well I didn’t say who it was.” Can the priest defend himself and make explanation at all? Nope. We’re just going to have to take the secondhand conversation at her word. The funny thing is, I actually think I knew her mom during her tenure there when Msgr. Sweeny was also there. Msgr. Sweeny probably would have done the same thing. One thing I’d point out is, since she repeatedly brings up “transgender” that might be what her relative was going through. If the child was indeed obviously living a lifestyle inconsistent to the Church, what is a priest to do??? While she spews disgust at the priest, she leaves out a lot of the story. I mean, what was the conversation the relative had with the priest? We don’t know and she’s not telling us that even though she’s telling us a lot more.

Covid restrictions were still in place at the church at the time, so confessions were heard outside in the parking lot, face-to-face with the priests. Loudspeakers projected the Mass throughout the church grounds, allowing people sitting outside or waiting in line for confession to follow along with it. I remember that the priest preached in his homily that frequenting the sacraments as often as possible and receiving the Eucharist are sometimes the only way people overcome persistent sin. I was very happy to hear that message because my teenage family member, who had become increasingly distant from his faith had decided to return to Mass and confession after being in a serious car accident the month before.

Maybe, as the adult in this relationship, you should have explained the “resolve to sin no more” and why that’s important before absolution and reception of Our Lord in the Eucharist? Maybe you should have explained the harm in receiving Our Lord unworthily? Maybe you should have talked to him about a lot of things, especially when he’s got the notion that death could occur at any time. While the accident was awful, that perspective is a gift.

He looked upset, however, after his confession. He then told me the priest said he would not absolve him from his sins. I asked if he had expressed contrition for his sins. He said, yes, of course, but the priest told him that he was not sincere enough.

Again, this is all hearsay. Did the kid really just come out and say this or did she ask him? I’m not really even sure why anyone watches anyone confess, much less discusses it with the penitent. I highly doubt the priest said “Sorry, I just don’t think you’re sincere enough.” Honestly, what priest wants to withhold absolution? What he probably did was ask him how he was going to avoid the situation again or if he planned on doing it again, etc., etc. And, I highly doubt a priest that said frequent reception of the Sacraments is a way to overcome persistent sin would say that it’s OK to not resolve to sin no more either.

Not to give too much info, I’ve had “stubborn sins” at time which I was just having issues not committing repeatedly. After hearing the same thing a few times in confession, the priest rightly asked me if I was resolving not to do it again. That was a perfectly valid question given the number of times I confessed it. I was, but I was also in a situation where I simply could not get away from what was stressing me. That doesn’t mean I couldn’t resolve to try not to ever do it again. Just meant I was in constant temptation that I could not avoid and I fell repeatedly. But, if I had gone into the confessional insincere, not resolving to not do it again, and just checking off a box so I could go to Communion and the priest who knew my issues didn’t bother to ask, he would have very incorrectly given me absolution. And, if he didn’t ask, I would have been really wrong to approach the Eucharist without that intent to resolve to sin no more. Honestly, I don’t know too many who don’t go through this at some point. We have bosses, kids, parents, and a myriad of things we cannot avoid, and we can’t simply say “I’m going to avoid you boss since you are driving me crazy and I can’t help but lose my temper in word or action.” All we can do is, yes, resolve not to do it again and keep getting the graces from the Sacraments in order to overcome our stupid selves as quickly as possible. And, that can happen, but not if we don’t humbler ourselves and throw ourselves on God’s mercy in what seems like an insurmountable situation. We can’t do that when we just don’t get “the rules.” They are actually there for our protection not as a punishment. We are definitely going to have a harder time with it when people are telling us the rules don’t apply to us and we are special. Why would we work???

The Church should be the one place people should, indeed, be treated as equal. We’re all sinners. Nobody’s pet sin should be given a pass. Rather than all struggling together to overcome sin, we hear “Well, these people should be “accompanied” (which nobody ever really defines, but it come down to being told their sin is so special that it’s OK).

This upset me so much that when I got home I burst into tears. I am a life-long Catholic and I have never been denied absolution. To experience second-hand the hurt and shame it caused broke my heart. On Monday morning, I emailed the pastor. He responded a week later with no remorse and merely suggested my young family member see a different confessor. I also made a complaint to Bishop Oscar Cantu. He spoke with me about my concerns and said he would speak with both the confessor and the pastor at Our Lady of Peace to discuss the seriousness of refusing absolution, especially for young people, and that it should rarely — if ever — happen.

How does she know it wasn’t rare? And especially for young people? Why? While I try not to look around, I have seen people even at my parish go up for a blessing only during Communion. It’s beautiful! They’re looking at the bigger picture. They’re simply not going to receive unworthily. In a time when so few believe in the Real Presence, they’re humbling themselves in front of Him.

Almost two years later, my worst fears have come to pass. My young family member no longer goes to confession and, subsequently, does not receive the Eucharist when he attends Mass. I fear that the actions of that priest may have permanently turned a young soul away from the sacraments.

Not treating the Eucharist as some sort of right to be had in any condition might be the one thing that young person has seen making God’s presence in the Eucharist known. This may be the thing that eventually brings him back. It certainly isn’t you. And, good on him for not receiving!!! He seems to be showing more belief than Alessandra at this point. Again, the Faith isn’t checking of a bunch of boxes. It’s about humbling ourselves and embracing God’s grace and mercy. If we can’t get to the first part, we’re never going to get to the latter. Maybe, instead of saying how horrible the priest is, you might have wanted to learn yourself why he would deny absolution to anyone. Of course, while you’re blasting this all over the internet, the priest cannot address that particular confession. Maybe you should go out to coffee with him and set your rage aside for a second and ask some questions. You probably didn’t think about that before firing off complaints to the pastor and bishop.

In March 2022, Pope Francis addressed participants in the 32nd Course on the Internal Forum, an event organized by the Apostolic Penitentiary, and stressed to confessors the importance of being welcoming and having pastoral charity towards penitents in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. He told them that they must avoid curiosity and not probe penitents for unnecessary details, saying, “Please! You are not a torturer, you are a loving father. Curiosity is of the devil.” He even went as far as to say, “Forgiveness is a right.”

Here’s the actual address in its totality. https://press.vatican.va/content/salastampa/en/bollettino/pubblico/2022/03/25/220325d.html And here’s something she skipped while cherry-picking:

“This is a good sign, because today there is a widespread mentality that struggles to understand the supernatural dimension, or would even prefer to deny it. There is always, always the temptation to reduce it. Confession is a dialogue.”

And here she misses something important. Emphasis mine.

He explained:

God, in the Paschal Mystery of Christ, has given it in a total and irreversible way to every person willing to accept it, with a humble and repentant heart… By generously dispensing God’s forgiveness, we confessors cooperate in healing people and the world; we cooperate in bringing about that love and peace for which every human heart yearns so intensely; we contribute, if I may say so, to a spiritual ‘ecology’ of the world.

Repentant means you are truly sorry, you don’t want to do it again, and you try to avoid doing it again as far as possible. The command Christ gave was to “Repent and sin no more.”

Also, she may want to read the document Pope Francis mentioned: https://www.vatican.va/roman_curia/tribunals/apost_penit/documents/rc_trib_appen_pro_20190629_forointerno_en.html

The personal experience of a young family member being denied a sacrament has led me to broader concerns about policies that are being instituted in the US Church policies that will drive even more young people away from the faith — specifically young Catholics who identify as LGBTQ+.

There is no “specifically.” We’re all sinners and we all play by the same rules. Whataboutisms don’t work. I have to wonder what would have happened if she hadn’t probed someone about their confession and decided to decry the priest. Also, the family member was not denied the sacrament.

For example, according to a January article from Catholic News Agency, “the Diocese of Des Moines, Iowa, has banned the use of puberty-blocking drugs, transgender pronouns, and the use of bathrooms opposite of one’s biological sex.” Last year, the Denver Archdiocese issued a 17-page document establishing guidelines on the handling of matters related to sexuality and gender identity. Among other policies, it states that transgender students should not be admitted to its Catholic schools:

A Catholic school cannot affirm a student’s identity as transgender, gender nonconforming, non-binary, gender-fluid, gender-queer, or any other term that rejects the reality of the student’s given male or female sexual identity; any asserted identity that rejects the reality of biological sex is incompatible with Christian anthropology.

One of the signature passages from the New Testament is Jesus’ command, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” (Matthew 19:14). Regardless of the Catholic Church’s stance on gender identity, no child, teenager, or young adult should be barred from receiving a Catholic education or partaking in the sacraments and life of the Church.

And? What about all the other children in the school being scandalized? What about all those who would then have to share locker rooms with people of the opposite sex? At some point, we have to admit that the onus is not on the priests, the schools, the teachers, etc., who are trying to keep others from being scandalized and who refuse to placate dysphorias for the child in question. What if the child was passing around drugs at school? Well, I hope the child wouldn’t be welcome because a class full of kids hooked on meth wouldn’t be pretty. Seriously, we cannot placate bad behavior. Ask yourself, Alessandra, how we’d know that a child is LGBTwhatever? They are acting on that dysphoria or attraction, that’s how. Or they’re simply walking around saying “I’m non-binary” and dressing like the opposite sex. To what end? For complete and total acceptance. Should we accept the homosexual act? Should we accept boys being in girls’ restrooms or vice versa? Is that what’s good for the body and soul of ANYONE involved, be it the child subjected to it or the one doing the subjecting? You completely misunderstand the verse above on children. You are the one trying to keep them from coming to Christ. And you totally leave out the verses that have to do with the scandal which adults are now championing.

If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them if a large millstone were hung around their neck and they were thrown into the sea.

You are the one who is causing little ones to stumble, not the priest who heard your family member’s confession.

Pope Francis has set an example of how to honor Catholic teaching on gender identity while welcoming and accepting people who identify as transgender. When he took questions from the press on his return flight from Azerbaijan to Rome in October 2016, Joshua McElwee asked how the pope would accompany people who feel that their physical makeup does not correspond to their sexual identity. Francis answered that he had accompanied many people with “homosexual tendencies and also homosexual activity,” and that his accompaniment had brought them closer to the Lord. He insisted that we should never abandon them. He also told a story, one that reminds me of the way Jesus often taught with parables, such as the story of the Good Samaritan:”

Pause. Nobody is suggesting abandoning anyone. I, for one, am really tired of the ambiguous word “accompany.” It’s so ridiculous to think that the rest of the Catholic world that disagrees with Alessandra’s idea that we should just accept everyone doing anything doesn’t have many people suffering with same-sex attractions in their lives. Do Harris, Martin, Reese, etc., really think that our method of operation is “Be gone!”? How about Fr. Mike Schmitz, whose brother is suffering with same-sex attraction and who has written about it beautifully in “Made for Love?” (I highly recommend people buy that one.) That’s the definition of accompaniment we should have as Catholics. Lots and lots of conversation with love. From millennials on down they’ve been told that everyone just has to agree with you or you should cut them off. How loving is that?

My husband and I had an occasion to travel a few months back. We stumbled into a shop and we like to talk to the locals. It turned out the guy running the place was from our town. We must have spent a lovely hour talking to him about all sorts of things. Politics, religion, small town life, travel, Catholicism, etc. Turns out, politically he liked and disliked a lot of the same people as us. He thought it was sad to see our state turning out so horribly, taxes, and a general lack of kindness, just like us. I’d say he was of my generation. You’ve got to love us Gen X people. We just get along with everyone. We don’t shun people because of our differences with them, agree or not. We’re also not afraid to discuss things. One last thing, he was same-sex attracted. Amazingly enough, we didn’t hold up a Crucifix in an attempt to repel him. We talked about our differences and we talked about our common ground.

Seriously, the old canard of we hate everyone is ridiculous. We’ll probably go back and chat with him again next time. You really can love people you don’t agree with on every single thing in life. Ironically, he pointed us to another shop that just happened to be having a fundraiser for the local pregnancy center. There was no animosity toward his fellow townsfolk who are from all walks of life. There is no demand that everyone agree with each other. There’s just a general caring about their community. This is what leads to honest dialogue. This is why I hate seeing most of Fr. James Martin, SJ’s posts and things like Alessandra’s. There was an opportunity for Alessandra to have a honest talk with her relative, but she totally missed it.  

“Last year I received a letter from a Spanish man who told me his story from the time when he was a child. He was born a female, a girl, and he suffered greatly because he felt that he was a boy but physically was a girl. He told his mother, when he was in his twenties, at 22, that he wanted to have an operation and so forth. His mother asked him not to do so as long as she was alive. She was elderly, and died soon after. He had the operation. He is a municipal employee in a town in Spain. He went to the bishop. The bishop helped him a great deal, he is a good bishop and he “wasted” time to accompany this man. Then he got married. He changed his civil identity, he got married and he wrote me a letter saying that it would bring comfort to him to come see and me with his bride: he, who had been she, but is he. I received them. They were pleased. And in the neighborhood where he lived there was an elderly priest, over 80 years old, the former parish priest who assisted the nuns, there, in the parish… Then a new [parish priest] came. When the new priest would see him, he would yell at him from the sidewalk: “You’’ll go to hell!” When he went to the old priest, the old priest said to him: “How long has it been since you made your confession? Come now, I will hear your confession so you can receive Communion.”

Well, that was full catering to Gnostic Dualism. Thankfully, plane interviews are not binding.

“Through that story, I can almost hear Jesus’ question after telling the parable of the Good Samaritan: Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers? Which priest acted like the true shepherd?”

Are we talking about people outside our Faith? No. We’re talking about very confused people approaching the Church for help and being told everything is fine. The problem is, you can’t run from your conscience. I’m sure the priest in question knows this.

Did the priest have the authority to deny absolution to my family member? Yes. Do Catholic dioceses have the authority to ban transgender students? Probably. But that doesn’t make it right in either situation.

Or it’s the only solution they have for a horrific situation brought about through sin. The people who should be in charge of caring for their souls likely have been absent or simply don’t know what to do. These are really evil times we’re living in and a lot of children, especially, are being preyed upon.

The real question is, who would Jesus deny absolution to? Which transgender student would Jesus turn away and say they could not be a part of his community and learn from his teachings?

He would tell them to repent and sin no more, but you’re kind of forgetting about that. Remember the rich man who came to Jesus and asked Him how to inherit eternal life? When Jesus told him, the rich man couldn’t do it, and he left, and Christ let him. Jesus didn’t say “Oh wait! Wait! That teaching was too hard for you? I’ll just change it.” He spoke the truth and the young man rejected it. This applies to all of us.

The Catholic Church does not need protecting. Jesus promised the gates of hell will not prevail against the Church. However, people at the margins of American society — those who are LGBTQ+, single parents, those who are divorced, Black Catholics, migrants, low-income Americans — apparently need to be protected from a US Church more concerned with waging culture wars than inviting and welcoming all people, from all walks of life, into the fold.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Why is the Church waging the culture war? Is she insisting that everyone join it? Is She insisting that everyone adhere to Her beliefs under penalty of imprisonment, prosecution, endless litigation, etc., etc., etc.? No. The Church is doing now what Christ did. “Here is how you inherit the kingdom of God.” Honestly, I’d LOVE to hear that my sins are not sins, but that wouldn’t get me the everlasting life I’d like. No, the only ones waging a culture war are those demanding everyone just get in line with the culture.

After all this time, I’m still furious at the priest who denied my family member absolution. Although it’s entirely possible that he has never given a second thought to what he did that day, his callous decision towards my family member may have effects that could last into eternity. Even still, I know I must offer the priest the one thing he denied my family member: forgiveness.”

Or your family member denied himself. We’ll never know, and you may very well be responsible for that by spreading your take on this private conversation between confessor and confessee.

One more thing. Where Peter Is should be embarrassed and apologetic for posting this very lacking in detail accusation of a confession that cannot be verified for details.